Welcome to Monkeys With Knives
Here at Monkeys With Knives, we have devoted about 15 minutes of thought to create a site
stressing the importance of 3 major aspects of daily life.
- Monkeys are cool
- Knives are cool
- Wouldn't it be cool if monkeys had knives?!
So now the question is, if we are to give monkeys knives, how will we make sure they use them for
a greater good? My solution is that we send them into tunnels deep within the earth to fight
demons and hellspawn. Since I've recently been informed that neither do these tunnels exist
nor does an actual physical location called "Hell," and there isn't even any factual evidence of
evil demon-creatures residing on our plane of existence, we should instead make them to fight crime.
This will require a strict and well thought-out training program.
Perhaps along these lines?:
- Choose likely knife-wielding varieties of monkey.
- Extract monkeys from jungles, rainforests, and organ grinders
- Equip monkeys with knives
- Train monkeys in basic knife-fighting
- Teach monkeys extensive ethical and philosophical theory
- Release monkeys into heavily populated areas
My calculations show that for every 3 knife wielding monkeys roaming the streets, people will get
stabbed a lot. It can be simply displayed in the following visual equation:
|(3 || + 3 || ||) / human population = Many stabbings
As a reliable source, who requests to remain anonymous, points out, this equation fails to point out many variables,
such as terrain, potential hiding spots, indoors or out, and if indoors, is it a drinking establishment, or just a
fast food restaraunt. While the basic equation does not encompass any of these factors, I feel it is safe to say
that, regardless of most of them, people will be hunted down and stabbed.
A further benefit of the program is that, by integrating violent monkeys into human society, we
increase the likelihood of non-human primates taking up where we left off once the human race finally
eradicates itself. In conclusion, seriously, how cool would it be if monkeys had knives?!
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